Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A New Client Letter especially for Vet Clinics

New Client Letter for Vet Clinics

This was taken from the site and I think that the person to thank for it is young Tiffany.

I thought that it was great and that you might enjoy it as well.

Welcome to our practice. The following are some suggestions of
how to make things easier for you and more interesting for our

As you have already figured out, your scheduled appointment time
is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it and do as you
please. If you are not going to show up, please do not call. We like the
suspense of trying to figure out what you are going to do. Some
times we run bets on it. So as you can see, calling and informing
us of your intentions would just take the fun out of our day. Our
other clients are all rich and don't mind having to pay extra to
go to the emergency vet because we didn't know your appointment
time slot would be available.

Verbal abuse is always appreciated. If possible, wait until the
waiting room is full. Please be creative in your profanity, we
all like to expand our vocabulary as do our client and their

Do not put your dog on a leash or your cat in a carrier. Just let
them loose as soon as you walk in. The staff enjoy a little
pandemonium and breaking up animal fights. If you do actually use
a leash for your dog, make sure it's at least 20 feet long or
longer. We enjoy being tripped by leashes, and getting your dog
out of our lab, it keeps us on our toes. Or better yet, just let
the leash loose on the floor so the dog can roam anywhere it
wants while the leash drags behind.

Bring as many small children as possible. Three or more are
preferred. If you don't have that many, borrow from your
neighbors (look for the poorly behaved ones). Make sure they all
have juice and crayons because we all love to clean. Also, we
encourage then to jump on the furniture, play roughly with the
hospital cat, and go through the drawers. Bringing several very
very young children is encouraged when we have the dreaded duty
of euthanasia, we enjoy the heartwrenching sound of crying
children that are too young to understand what is happening.

Making an appointment time when your child is too sick to go to
school with some Ebola like disease is a great way to use your
free time. We love getting your kid's diseases it reminds us of
our childhoods. Making an appointment time when you are too sick
to go to work also pleases us as well. We often enjoy being short
staffed and having the flu bug now and again to remind us to
update our own flu vaccines.

Do not bring any prior records as we request. Calling other
clinics gives us time to catch up with old friends. Our other
clients don't mind waiting 20 minutes past their appointment
times while records are faxed, they don't have anywhere else to
be anyways.

We're just kidding when we suggest that you bring stool or urine
samples in. That's gross. We'll just get it off our waiting room
floor when your unattended dog relieves him/herself everywhere.
Please feel free to stay on your cell phone as long as you like
we have all day to wait for you. Handless headsets are preferred
because it really makes it a challenge to figure out if you are
talking to us or the person on the phone. Make sure to call us
back later that day and ask us questions about all the things we
were trying to explain earlier.

When giving information about your pet, please be a vague as
possible. The doctor is psychic anyways and can communicate with
your pet so it's just a formality anyways. Please send your
teenager or neighbor in with your very sick pet with no
information as to what exactly is wrong with the pet and cannot
answer any specific questions. We like trying to guess what is
wrong and how to treat it.

Be sure to bring along your spouse who will give us an entirely
different history than you do. If this is not possible, you can
insist that we call him/her at work to get the history. Then
after we are finished, we can call him/her back again to repeat
the exact same instructions we just gave you.

If you are coming in for a second opinion, be sure to bring along
no less than 50 pages of information that you have downloaded
from the internet. This is far more important than any previous
records, lab results, radiographs, etc. The doctor will be more
than happy to sift through all this information and discuss it
with you at length. The clients in the waiting room understand
this and don't mind being 40 minutes late because your
appointment time was only scheduled for 10 minutes. We understand
that it's our fault when you have to pay twice to do lab work,
radiographs that you had done at the other vet because we didn't
have the records.

Be sure to insist we follow your breeder's recommendations,
especially about anesthesia and vaccines. Our years of schooling
and training really don't teach us anything so we appreciate the
guidance. If the breeder doesn't know, don't forget to ask your
groomer, otherwise just ask your neighbor for the advice you

Give medications as you see fit. We just put instruction labels
on because we think the label printer is really cool. We
understand that when the condition doesn't improve because of
this, it's our fault not yours.

Always complain about the bill. We know our prices are too high.
In general we tend to be greedy and don't really care about your
pet in the least, we really just want that Beverly Hills mansion

Don't tell us that all the other vets had to muzzle your dog
until after he/she tries to bite. It keeps our reflexes sharp.
Besides it's more of a challenge to attempt to muzzle a dog once
he/she is all worked up.

If your cat is hissing and upset, please put your hands and face
as close to his/her mouth as possible. He/she would never bite
you. If a bite did occur we realize it's all our fault anyways.

Ignore the employee only signs. Just wander around as you please,
stick your hand in all the cages, open all the drawers and
cupboards. If your child is wandering around, we prefer him/her
to be barefoot.

If your pet is sick please wait a minimum of three days before
having him/her seen. A week is preferred. Be sure to exhaust all
treatments available over the counter or at the pet store before
bringing him/her in to be examined. Also the best time to call is
on Friday afternoon especially the longer the problem has went

Be sure to call 5 minutes before closing and tell us that it is
an emergency after waiting a week. Then please complain when you
are charged and emergency fee for coming in after hours. Our
staff actually doesn't like their family that much and isn't in a
rush to be with them.

Feel free to express your ideas about what is wrong with other
clients pet's at the checkout counter. Feel free to tell them
that whatever we have recommended is unnecessary and too
expensive and can be easily fixed with a vitamin.

Please do not bring more than $20 with you and no credit cards or
checkbooks. Our office manager previously worked in a pawn shop
so she will be happy to appraise any piece of jewelry or
household item. Payment plans are available, no interest for 6
months and we can send the bill to your ex-spouse for your

Please expect us to subsidize your pet's health care cost. You
know we all became vets or work at the vet hospital because we
love animals and want to help them. Since we are already doing
what we love we don't expect to be paid for it. Our creditors
will completely understand that because of this we can't pay our
bills and we really don't like electricity, heat, food, or
vehicles so living without them is a relief.

When you buy two female dogs from your breeder, expect and DEMAND
a discount on their spays, because you deserve it for having two
dogs. The same applies to cats as well. Remember that, if you adopt male and female puppies from the same litter, you won't need to spay and neuter because brothers and sisters do not mate, that's gross.

If you are running late and have other errands to take care of,
please drop off your pet at the front desk. Do not give us any
more information that "needs some shots" or "isn't doing right".
We'll have your prescription and pet ready for you to pick up
within the hour, or next Tuesday.

We look forward to caring for your pet. If you, your neighbor,
breeder, or groomer, have any suggestions about what we can do to
make life easier for you and more difficult for our staff, please
do not hesitate to let us know.

Thank you,
Your Veterinary Hospital
~*~ tiffany ~*~

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