Friday, September 16, 2011

You know you're Australian if ...

You know you're Australian if ...

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "r**ting" for something.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You call your best friend 'a total bas***d' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bas***d'.

* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' and "Living next door to Alice".

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

* You wear ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.

* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like sh*t. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bl**dy' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.

* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what no wucking furries means.

* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

* And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


A Pastor with GUTS!

Thought you might enjoy this interesting
prayer given in Kansas at
the opening session of their Senate. It seems
prayer still upsets some
people.. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is

what they heard:

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask
your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those
who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we
have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed
our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it
the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it

We have killed our unborn and called it

We have shot abortionists and called it

We have neglected to discipline our
children and called it building self esteem....

We have abused power and called it

We have coveted our neighbor's possessions
and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and
pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values
of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts
today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.

The response was immediate. A number of
legislators walked out during the prayer in
protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church, where Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
responding negatively. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer
from India , Africa and Korea .

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on
his radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,'and
received a larger response to this program than any
other he has ever aired.

With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep
over our nation and wholeheartedly become our
desire so that we again can be called 'one nation
under God.'

If possible, please pass this prayer on to
your friends.. 'If you don't stand for something,
you will fall for everything.'

Think about this: If you forward this
prayer to everyone on your
e-mail list, in less than 30 days it would be
heard by the world.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

New definitions!

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


A place where women curl up and dye.

Someone who is fed up with people.

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

Grape with sunburn.

Something you tell to one person at a time.

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Thanks to young Kellie for the above.

Friday, July 8, 2011

It is all a matter of perspective!

A bit of swearing but funny.....especially for us Queenslanders

Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!” he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Broncos fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Maroons Supporter Risks Life In Heroic Rescue"
"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Cockroach Bastard Vandalises Fence And Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Thanks to young Greg for this.

Monday, July 4, 2011

5 Leadership lessons from the handling of the Australian live cattle export.

When a national TV show broadcast the bad treatment of live cattle exported to Indonesia, the Australian Government moved to immediately suspend the $320m a year industry.

Now, people involved in the industry are losing jobs, companies are facing ruin and there are doubts Indonesia will want to import Australian cattle ever again.

To be fair, not everyone thinks the Government's decision a bad one. Some think the decision failed to go far enough. Whatever one's position, there are some valuable leadership lessons to be learned from the affair.

1. It's a Mistake To Confuse Action with Leadership

The Government, facing plummeting opinion polls and with a reputation for failing to solve problems (think mining tax, carbon tax, national health scheme, the Malaysian Solution) wanted to be seen as decisive and able to take action.

By acting in order to be seen to act the Government was actually re-acting rather than leading.

2. It's a Mistake To Think Through an Action After Taking Action

The decision to ban live cattle exports to Indonesia was made without any written submissions to cabinet.

It was two weeks AFTER the trade ban was announced that the Australian Bureau of Agricultural and Resource Economics and Sciences began surveying farmers to "determine the effects on farm businesses of the suspension of trade to Indonesia".

Initially the government said there would be no compensation to the local cattle industry. Then they announced a $3m fund and later a $30m. The Government looked like they were making things up as they went ... because they were, and this makes people nervous.

People want to be confident their leaders have thought decisions through before, not after, they are made.

Anyone can have hindsight. Leaders exercise forethought.

3. It's a Mistake to Act Without Considering Other Actions

Media reports state that nothing but a full and immediate ban on the Indonesian cattle trade was considered by the Government. No other options were suggested, let alone entertained.

When making decisions, Option A might indeed be the best option, but one can never know that without at least considering Options B, C and D.

Good leaders consider options. In fact, they demand options, even when the solution seems obvious.

If Options B, C and D are all duds, nothing is lost. What is gained is added confidence in the initial response of Option A.

On the other hand elements of Option B, C, or D might improve Option A or indeed prove all together better than Option A.

The point is, leaders have thought about options even if only to discount them.

4. It's a Mistake to Act Without Involving People Smarter Than Yourself

The Foreign Affairs Minister was advised of the decision to cease trade with one of our largest trade partners AFTER the decision. One would have thought the Foreign Affairs Minister could have added insights during the decision making process (I use the word process very loosely) that may have informed Cabinet's decision.

According to media reports, the Foreign Minister was only really engaged in the affair when it became apparent that the action taken was creating all manner of unintended consequences.

The lesson here is simple. It's far more prudent to admit you need help making the right decision than to ask for help cleaning up a bad one.

Better to choose humility and ask for help making a decision than to suffer the humiliation of having to beg for help when your unilateral decisions have turned to custard.

5. It's a Mistake to Act Without Preparing Those Affected

It is claimed that neither those in the cattle industry or affected state governments were advised of the decision to ban cattle exports before it happened. Further, it's said that Indonesia found out their meat would no longer be delivered, via a letter delivered by Australian consulate staff.

This Government is often accused of over-consulting. On this occasion we learned what happens when people are not consulted.

It's inevitable that most decisions will result in some people being worse off for it, or at least perceiving themselves to be worse off. I'm rather depressed to admit that, on more than one occasion, I've made decisions without stopping to consider who might feel the poorer for it and without communicating directly with them the reasons for the decision.Then, like this Government, I've been shocked at the adverse reaction to my decision.

It's amazing how people who might 'lose' from a decision will nevertheless go with it if they feel like they were considered in the process. It should not be so surprising that when decisions are 'handed down from on high' and communicated indirectly, after the event, that those same people react angrily.

The decision simply adds insult to injury; the injury being that they were obviously not considered important enough to be properly considered.

The above was from james macpherson as a tweet

On Monday 4th July 2011, @jamesmacpherson

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Red shirt day for Australia - Why not get involved!

I received this as an email and I thought that it warranted further exposure.

If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for one

Last week, while travelling to Brisbane on business, I noticed an army
sergeant travelling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two
together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd
been invited to sit in Business Class (across from me), and inquired if he
was heading home.

'No', he responded.

'Going home', I asked?

'No. I'm escorting a soldier home.'

'Going to pick him up?'

'No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Afghanistan ; I'm taking
him home to his family.'

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a Rock to
the head. (I felt sick in the stomach) It was an honour for him. He told me that,
although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the
soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, 'Thank you. Thank you
for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.' He took my hand and
said "Thank You Ma'am"

Upon landing in Brisbane , the pilot stopped short of the gate and made
the following announcement over the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honour
of having Sergeant Jamison of the Royal Australian Army join us on this
flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask
that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to
allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We
will then turn off the seat belt sign.'

Without a sound, all went as requested.. I noticed the sergeant
saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action
made me realize that I am proud to be a Australian.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you
do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday.
The reason; Australians who support our troops used to be called the
'silent majority.' We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love
for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not
organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Australians, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to
recognize that the vast majority of Australians supports our troops. Our
idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and
respect starts this Friday and continues each and every Friday until
the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that every
red-blooded Australian who supports our men and women afar, will wear
something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make Australia every Friday a
sea of red much like an AFL Grand final game in the MCG Stands. If
every one of us who loves this country will share this with
acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family, it will not be long
before Australia is covered in RED and it will let our troops know
the once 'silent' majority is on their side more than ever, certainly
more than the media lets on. Don't let this be like it was for our poor Vietnam Vets

The first thing a soldier says when asked 'What can we do to make
things better for you?' is 'We need your support and your prayers.'
Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and
wear something red every Friday.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

You know you are getting old when...

You know you're getting old when... ~

You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Someone is going to be very disappointed!!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the store now and I found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$980,000 for it."

MAN: "Then make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Saturday, June 4, 2011

How do we tackle the issue of Evil. Is it real?

Zachary Wigmore

Here's an email 'mentoring letter' that I received from Greg Koukl, one of my favorite Christian apologists, about the problem of evil. Don't let non-Christians throw you off the real issues with this attack. I believe Christianity has the most satisfying answers when challenged with the very real issue of evil in the world (including natural disasters). I hope this helps you stand confidently in the face of challenges to your faith:

"After decades of addressing the problem of evil, I have discovered an approach that has massively simplified my task, one that subtly turns the tables on atheists, hanging them—appropriately—on the horns of their own dilemma.

Here’ s how it works. I do not begin my response with tactical concerns (maneuvering on the specifics), but rather with a strategic point (the big picture) meant to show that the atheist himself is not off the hook with the problem of evil.

To set the stage, I begin by clarifying the challenge in vivid terms. I spell out the logic of the complaint. Then I offer an anecdote, illustration, or graphic piece of news (there’ s always some horror in the headlines) accentuating the gravity of the atheist’ s protest. In short, I try to increase the emotional force of the objection.

Next, I tell the audience I do not grapple with the problem first as a theologian, or a philosopher, or even as a Christian, but as a human being trying to make sense of my world. Evidence of egregious evil abounds. How do I account for such depravity?

But, I am quick to add—and here is the strategic move—I am not alone. As a theist, I am not the only one saddled with this challenge. Evil is a problem for everyone. Every person, regardless of religion or worldview, must answer this objection.

Even the atheist. What if someone is assaulted by personal tragedy, distressed by world events, victimized by religious corruption or abuse, and then responds by rejecting God and becoming an atheist (as many have done)? Notice that he has not solved the problem of evil. He has simply eliminated one possible answer: theism.

The atheist cannot raise the issue, turn on his heal, and smugly walk away. His objection is that evil actually exists, objectively, as a real feature of the world. Otherwise, why raise the complaint? Even if theism fails to give a satisfying answer, the problem doesn’t disappear. Evil remains.

The atheist still has to answer the question, “How do I explain evil now, as an atheist? How do I answer the problem of evil from a materialistic worldview?” He no longer has the resources of theism to draw from. So what is he left with?

There is only one solution for him. The atheist must play the relativism card. Morality is either the product of a social contract or a trick of evolution. That is the best materialism can do. His own answer to the problem of evil, then, is that there is no problem of evil. Morality is an illusion. Whatever is, is right. Nothing more can be said.

Do you see the difficult place this puts the atheist? If this is the right answer to the problem of evil, then his initial complaint vanishes. The only evil that can get traction as a problem against God must be the real deal—objective evil—not something that is merely a cultural or biological invention.

Here’ s the irony. The existence of evil initially made the atheist furious, yet his own worldview turns the objective evil he was so livid about into a complete illusion.

The great 20th century atheistic philosopher Bertrand Russell wondered how anyone could talk of God when kneeling at the bed of a dying child. His challenge has powerful rhetorical force. How can anyone cling to the hope of a benevolent, powerful sovereign in the face of such tragedy?

Then Christian philosopher William Lane Craig offered this response: “What is the atheist Bertrand Russell going to say when kneeling at the bed of a dying child? ‘Too bad’? ‘Tough luck’? ‘That’s the way it goes’?” No happy ending? No silver lining? Nothing but devastating, senseless evil?

They cannot speak of the patience and mercy of God. They cannot mention the future perfection that awaits all who trust in Christ. They cannot offer the comfort that a redemptive God is working to cause all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. They have no “ good news” of hope for a broken world. Their worldview denies them these luxuries.

Which brings me to the most important question to ask of the problem of evil: Which worldview has the best resources to make sense of this challenge?

The answer is not atheism. The answer to evil is God, in Jesus, on a cross, at Calvary. The particulars still need to be developed. But I start with the strategic issue first. That sets the stage. Only afterward do I get into details."

It has taken me a couple of readings of the article to get the point. I may be slower on the uptake than I anticipated.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Direct from the Doctors Report!

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow region.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab. test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room..

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30.. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Thanks to young Kellie for sending me the above. After reading the list I feel better already!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the ad-dress of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory,

and you'll want to RAM your ROM...

Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.

Thanks to young Lindi for the above.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

An oldie but a goodie!

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Bill Gates - 11 rules your kids did not and will not learn in school

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Universal Laws

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre and Sporting Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers..

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

Thanks to young Kellie for this, yes that's right, it is not young Rowland this time.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Cheyenne - Story by Catherine Moore

"Watch out! You nearly broadsided that car!" My father yelled at me. "Can't you do anything right?"

Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.

"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving."

My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.

Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts.... dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him?

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon . He had enjoyed being outdoors and had revelled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered gruelling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess.

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing.

At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.

My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.

Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticised everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue.

Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counselling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind.

But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it.

The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered in vain.

Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article..."

I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.

I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odour of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up, trying to reach me.

I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons: too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.

Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hip bones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?"

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!"

Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw...

Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.

It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at is feet.

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad 's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne 's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favourite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.

The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life.

And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it."

"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article... Cheyenne 's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter... his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father... and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.

Life is too short for drama or petty things, so laugh hard, love truly and forgive quickly. Live while you are alive. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

And if you don't send this to anyone -- no one will know. But do share this with someone. Lost time can never be found.

God answers our prayers in His time... not ours...

Cheyenne - Story by Catherine Moore, sent to me by my great friend Greg Cook. Thanks Cookie!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Things that we can learn from dogs!

More Things We Can Learn From A Dog

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

4. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

5. Take naps and stretch before rising.

6. Run, romp and play daily.

7. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

8. Be loyal.

9. Never pretend to be something you're not.

10. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

11. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

12. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

13. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

14. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

15. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

16. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and right back and make friends.

17. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Many thanks to young Rowland for the above.