This was a post from young Tracey:
If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will;
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are;
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
ATTRIBUTION: WALTER D. WINTLE, “The Man Who Thinks He Can.”—Poems That Live Forever, comp. Hazel Felleman, p. 310 (1965).
To Your Prosperity!
Tracey E Mitchell
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Cocoa Mulch - A warning to all pet owners!!
PLEASE KEEP THIS GOING EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PET!
I am sending this out as a Blog in the belief that what is recorded in the article is true.
Please tell every dog or cat owner you know. Even if you don't have a pet, please pass this to those who do.
Over the weekend, the doting owner of two young lab mixes purchased Cocoa Mulch from Target to use in their garden. The dogs loved the way it smelled and it was advertised to keep cats away from their garden. Their dog (Calypso) decided the mulch smelled good enough to eat and devoured a large helping. She vomited a few times which was typical when she eats something new but wasn't acting lethargic in any way. The next day, Mum woke up and took Calypso out for her morning walk. Halfway through the walk, she had a seizure and died instantly.
Although the mulch had NO warnings printed on the label, upon further investigation on the company's web site,
This product is HIGHLY TOXIC to dogs and cats.
Cocoa Mulch is manufactured by Hershey's, and they claim that "It is true that studies have shown that 50% of the dogs that eat Cocoa Mulch can suffer physical harm to a variety of degrees (depending on each individual dog). However, 98% of all dogs won't eat it."
Snopes.com
Cocoa Mulch contains a lethal ingredient called 'Theobromine'. It is lethal to dogs and cats. It smells like chocolate and it really attracts dogs. They will ingest this stuff and die. Several deaths already occurred in the last 2-3 weeks.
Theobromine is in all chocolate, especially dark or baker's chocolate which is toxic to dogs. Cocoa bean shells contain potentially toxic quantities of theobromine, a xanthine compound similar in effects to caffeine and theophylline. A dog that ingested a lethal quantity of garden mulch made from cocoa bean shells developed severe convulsions and died 17 hours later. Analysis of the stomach contents and the ingested cacao bean shells revealed the presence of lethal amounts of theobromine.
**PLEASE, PASS THIS ON**
I am sending this out as a Blog in the belief that what is recorded in the article is true.
Please tell every dog or cat owner you know. Even if you don't have a pet, please pass this to those who do.
Over the weekend, the doting owner of two young lab mixes purchased Cocoa Mulch from Target to use in their garden. The dogs loved the way it smelled and it was advertised to keep cats away from their garden. Their dog (Calypso) decided the mulch smelled good enough to eat and devoured a large helping. She vomited a few times which was typical when she eats something new but wasn't acting lethargic in any way. The next day, Mum woke up and took Calypso out for her morning walk. Halfway through the walk, she had a seizure and died instantly.
Although the mulch had NO warnings printed on the label, upon further investigation on the company's web site,
This product is HIGHLY TOXIC to dogs and cats.
Cocoa Mulch is manufactured by Hershey's, and they claim that "It is true that studies have shown that 50% of the dogs that eat Cocoa Mulch can suffer physical harm to a variety of degrees (depending on each individual dog). However, 98% of all dogs won't eat it."
Snopes.com
Cocoa Mulch contains a lethal ingredient called 'Theobromine'. It is lethal to dogs and cats. It smells like chocolate and it really attracts dogs. They will ingest this stuff and die. Several deaths already occurred in the last 2-3 weeks.
Theobromine is in all chocolate, especially dark or baker's chocolate which is toxic to dogs. Cocoa bean shells contain potentially toxic quantities of theobromine, a xanthine compound similar in effects to caffeine and theophylline. A dog that ingested a lethal quantity of garden mulch made from cocoa bean shells developed severe convulsions and died 17 hours later. Analysis of the stomach contents and the ingested cacao bean shells revealed the presence of lethal amounts of theobromine.
**PLEASE, PASS THIS ON**
All about men.
The following was a recent post made by a FB friend
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women..
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up..
Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships. ..
There is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. ..
Look for someone complimentary. Not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted
Never move into his mother's house.. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phill
You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
As an aside, I can also recommend the book 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man' by Steve Harvey.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women..
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up..
Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships. ..
There is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. ..
Look for someone complimentary. Not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted
Never move into his mother's house.. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phill
You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
As an aside, I can also recommend the book 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man' by Steve Harvey.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Universal Laws
UNIVERSAL LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter-end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Many thanks to young Kellie for sending this to me.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter-end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Many thanks to young Kellie for sending this to me.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A New Client Letter especially for Vet Clinics
New Client Letter for Vet Clinics
This was taken from the site http://forums.petlovers.com/vb/ and I think that the person to thank for it is young Tiffany.
I thought that it was great and that you might enjoy it as well.
Welcome to our practice. The following are some suggestions of
how to make things easier for you and more interesting for our
staff.
As you have already figured out, your scheduled appointment time
is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it and do as you
please. If you are not going to show up, please do not call. We like the
suspense of trying to figure out what you are going to do. Some
times we run bets on it. So as you can see, calling and informing
us of your intentions would just take the fun out of our day. Our
other clients are all rich and don't mind having to pay extra to
go to the emergency vet because we didn't know your appointment
time slot would be available.
Verbal abuse is always appreciated. If possible, wait until the
waiting room is full. Please be creative in your profanity, we
all like to expand our vocabulary as do our client and their
children.
Do not put your dog on a leash or your cat in a carrier. Just let
them loose as soon as you walk in. The staff enjoy a little
pandemonium and breaking up animal fights. If you do actually use
a leash for your dog, make sure it's at least 20 feet long or
longer. We enjoy being tripped by leashes, and getting your dog
out of our lab, it keeps us on our toes. Or better yet, just let
the leash loose on the floor so the dog can roam anywhere it
wants while the leash drags behind.
Bring as many small children as possible. Three or more are
preferred. If you don't have that many, borrow from your
neighbors (look for the poorly behaved ones). Make sure they all
have juice and crayons because we all love to clean. Also, we
encourage then to jump on the furniture, play roughly with the
hospital cat, and go through the drawers. Bringing several very
very young children is encouraged when we have the dreaded duty
of euthanasia, we enjoy the heartwrenching sound of crying
children that are too young to understand what is happening.
Making an appointment time when your child is too sick to go to
school with some Ebola like disease is a great way to use your
free time. We love getting your kid's diseases it reminds us of
our childhoods. Making an appointment time when you are too sick
to go to work also pleases us as well. We often enjoy being short
staffed and having the flu bug now and again to remind us to
update our own flu vaccines.
Do not bring any prior records as we request. Calling other
clinics gives us time to catch up with old friends. Our other
clients don't mind waiting 20 minutes past their appointment
times while records are faxed, they don't have anywhere else to
be anyways.
We're just kidding when we suggest that you bring stool or urine
samples in. That's gross. We'll just get it off our waiting room
floor when your unattended dog relieves him/herself everywhere.
Please feel free to stay on your cell phone as long as you like
we have all day to wait for you. Handless headsets are preferred
because it really makes it a challenge to figure out if you are
talking to us or the person on the phone. Make sure to call us
back later that day and ask us questions about all the things we
were trying to explain earlier.
When giving information about your pet, please be a vague as
possible. The doctor is psychic anyways and can communicate with
your pet so it's just a formality anyways. Please send your
teenager or neighbor in with your very sick pet with no
information as to what exactly is wrong with the pet and cannot
answer any specific questions. We like trying to guess what is
wrong and how to treat it.
Be sure to bring along your spouse who will give us an entirely
different history than you do. If this is not possible, you can
insist that we call him/her at work to get the history. Then
after we are finished, we can call him/her back again to repeat
the exact same instructions we just gave you.
If you are coming in for a second opinion, be sure to bring along
no less than 50 pages of information that you have downloaded
from the internet. This is far more important than any previous
records, lab results, radiographs, etc. The doctor will be more
than happy to sift through all this information and discuss it
with you at length. The clients in the waiting room understand
this and don't mind being 40 minutes late because your
appointment time was only scheduled for 10 minutes. We understand
that it's our fault when you have to pay twice to do lab work,
radiographs that you had done at the other vet because we didn't
have the records.
Be sure to insist we follow your breeder's recommendations,
especially about anesthesia and vaccines. Our years of schooling
and training really don't teach us anything so we appreciate the
guidance. If the breeder doesn't know, don't forget to ask your
groomer, otherwise just ask your neighbor for the advice you
need.
Give medications as you see fit. We just put instruction labels
on because we think the label printer is really cool. We
understand that when the condition doesn't improve because of
this, it's our fault not yours.
Always complain about the bill. We know our prices are too high.
In general we tend to be greedy and don't really care about your
pet in the least, we really just want that Beverly Hills mansion
instead.
Don't tell us that all the other vets had to muzzle your dog
until after he/she tries to bite. It keeps our reflexes sharp.
Besides it's more of a challenge to attempt to muzzle a dog once
he/she is all worked up.
If your cat is hissing and upset, please put your hands and face
as close to his/her mouth as possible. He/she would never bite
you. If a bite did occur we realize it's all our fault anyways.
Ignore the employee only signs. Just wander around as you please,
stick your hand in all the cages, open all the drawers and
cupboards. If your child is wandering around, we prefer him/her
to be barefoot.
If your pet is sick please wait a minimum of three days before
having him/her seen. A week is preferred. Be sure to exhaust all
treatments available over the counter or at the pet store before
bringing him/her in to be examined. Also the best time to call is
on Friday afternoon especially the longer the problem has went
on.
Be sure to call 5 minutes before closing and tell us that it is
an emergency after waiting a week. Then please complain when you
are charged and emergency fee for coming in after hours. Our
staff actually doesn't like their family that much and isn't in a
rush to be with them.
Feel free to express your ideas about what is wrong with other
clients pet's at the checkout counter. Feel free to tell them
that whatever we have recommended is unnecessary and too
expensive and can be easily fixed with a vitamin.
Please do not bring more than $20 with you and no credit cards or
checkbooks. Our office manager previously worked in a pawn shop
so she will be happy to appraise any piece of jewelry or
household item. Payment plans are available, no interest for 6
months and we can send the bill to your ex-spouse for your
convenience.
Please expect us to subsidize your pet's health care cost. You
know we all became vets or work at the vet hospital because we
love animals and want to help them. Since we are already doing
what we love we don't expect to be paid for it. Our creditors
will completely understand that because of this we can't pay our
bills and we really don't like electricity, heat, food, or
vehicles so living without them is a relief.
When you buy two female dogs from your breeder, expect and DEMAND
a discount on their spays, because you deserve it for having two
dogs. The same applies to cats as well. Remember that, if you adopt male and female puppies from the same litter, you won't need to spay and neuter because brothers and sisters do not mate, that's gross.
If you are running late and have other errands to take care of,
please drop off your pet at the front desk. Do not give us any
more information that "needs some shots" or "isn't doing right".
We'll have your prescription and pet ready for you to pick up
within the hour, or next Tuesday.
We look forward to caring for your pet. If you, your neighbor,
breeder, or groomer, have any suggestions about what we can do to
make life easier for you and more difficult for our staff, please
do not hesitate to let us know.
Thank you,
Your Veterinary Hospital
__________________
~*~ tiffany ~*~
This was taken from the site http://forums.petlovers.com/vb/ and I think that the person to thank for it is young Tiffany.
I thought that it was great and that you might enjoy it as well.
Welcome to our practice. The following are some suggestions of
how to make things easier for you and more interesting for our
staff.
As you have already figured out, your scheduled appointment time
is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it and do as you
please. If you are not going to show up, please do not call. We like the
suspense of trying to figure out what you are going to do. Some
times we run bets on it. So as you can see, calling and informing
us of your intentions would just take the fun out of our day. Our
other clients are all rich and don't mind having to pay extra to
go to the emergency vet because we didn't know your appointment
time slot would be available.
Verbal abuse is always appreciated. If possible, wait until the
waiting room is full. Please be creative in your profanity, we
all like to expand our vocabulary as do our client and their
children.
Do not put your dog on a leash or your cat in a carrier. Just let
them loose as soon as you walk in. The staff enjoy a little
pandemonium and breaking up animal fights. If you do actually use
a leash for your dog, make sure it's at least 20 feet long or
longer. We enjoy being tripped by leashes, and getting your dog
out of our lab, it keeps us on our toes. Or better yet, just let
the leash loose on the floor so the dog can roam anywhere it
wants while the leash drags behind.
Bring as many small children as possible. Three or more are
preferred. If you don't have that many, borrow from your
neighbors (look for the poorly behaved ones). Make sure they all
have juice and crayons because we all love to clean. Also, we
encourage then to jump on the furniture, play roughly with the
hospital cat, and go through the drawers. Bringing several very
very young children is encouraged when we have the dreaded duty
of euthanasia, we enjoy the heartwrenching sound of crying
children that are too young to understand what is happening.
Making an appointment time when your child is too sick to go to
school with some Ebola like disease is a great way to use your
free time. We love getting your kid's diseases it reminds us of
our childhoods. Making an appointment time when you are too sick
to go to work also pleases us as well. We often enjoy being short
staffed and having the flu bug now and again to remind us to
update our own flu vaccines.
Do not bring any prior records as we request. Calling other
clinics gives us time to catch up with old friends. Our other
clients don't mind waiting 20 minutes past their appointment
times while records are faxed, they don't have anywhere else to
be anyways.
We're just kidding when we suggest that you bring stool or urine
samples in. That's gross. We'll just get it off our waiting room
floor when your unattended dog relieves him/herself everywhere.
Please feel free to stay on your cell phone as long as you like
we have all day to wait for you. Handless headsets are preferred
because it really makes it a challenge to figure out if you are
talking to us or the person on the phone. Make sure to call us
back later that day and ask us questions about all the things we
were trying to explain earlier.
When giving information about your pet, please be a vague as
possible. The doctor is psychic anyways and can communicate with
your pet so it's just a formality anyways. Please send your
teenager or neighbor in with your very sick pet with no
information as to what exactly is wrong with the pet and cannot
answer any specific questions. We like trying to guess what is
wrong and how to treat it.
Be sure to bring along your spouse who will give us an entirely
different history than you do. If this is not possible, you can
insist that we call him/her at work to get the history. Then
after we are finished, we can call him/her back again to repeat
the exact same instructions we just gave you.
If you are coming in for a second opinion, be sure to bring along
no less than 50 pages of information that you have downloaded
from the internet. This is far more important than any previous
records, lab results, radiographs, etc. The doctor will be more
than happy to sift through all this information and discuss it
with you at length. The clients in the waiting room understand
this and don't mind being 40 minutes late because your
appointment time was only scheduled for 10 minutes. We understand
that it's our fault when you have to pay twice to do lab work,
radiographs that you had done at the other vet because we didn't
have the records.
Be sure to insist we follow your breeder's recommendations,
especially about anesthesia and vaccines. Our years of schooling
and training really don't teach us anything so we appreciate the
guidance. If the breeder doesn't know, don't forget to ask your
groomer, otherwise just ask your neighbor for the advice you
need.
Give medications as you see fit. We just put instruction labels
on because we think the label printer is really cool. We
understand that when the condition doesn't improve because of
this, it's our fault not yours.
Always complain about the bill. We know our prices are too high.
In general we tend to be greedy and don't really care about your
pet in the least, we really just want that Beverly Hills mansion
instead.
Don't tell us that all the other vets had to muzzle your dog
until after he/she tries to bite. It keeps our reflexes sharp.
Besides it's more of a challenge to attempt to muzzle a dog once
he/she is all worked up.
If your cat is hissing and upset, please put your hands and face
as close to his/her mouth as possible. He/she would never bite
you. If a bite did occur we realize it's all our fault anyways.
Ignore the employee only signs. Just wander around as you please,
stick your hand in all the cages, open all the drawers and
cupboards. If your child is wandering around, we prefer him/her
to be barefoot.
If your pet is sick please wait a minimum of three days before
having him/her seen. A week is preferred. Be sure to exhaust all
treatments available over the counter or at the pet store before
bringing him/her in to be examined. Also the best time to call is
on Friday afternoon especially the longer the problem has went
on.
Be sure to call 5 minutes before closing and tell us that it is
an emergency after waiting a week. Then please complain when you
are charged and emergency fee for coming in after hours. Our
staff actually doesn't like their family that much and isn't in a
rush to be with them.
Feel free to express your ideas about what is wrong with other
clients pet's at the checkout counter. Feel free to tell them
that whatever we have recommended is unnecessary and too
expensive and can be easily fixed with a vitamin.
Please do not bring more than $20 with you and no credit cards or
checkbooks. Our office manager previously worked in a pawn shop
so she will be happy to appraise any piece of jewelry or
household item. Payment plans are available, no interest for 6
months and we can send the bill to your ex-spouse for your
convenience.
Please expect us to subsidize your pet's health care cost. You
know we all became vets or work at the vet hospital because we
love animals and want to help them. Since we are already doing
what we love we don't expect to be paid for it. Our creditors
will completely understand that because of this we can't pay our
bills and we really don't like electricity, heat, food, or
vehicles so living without them is a relief.
When you buy two female dogs from your breeder, expect and DEMAND
a discount on their spays, because you deserve it for having two
dogs. The same applies to cats as well. Remember that, if you adopt male and female puppies from the same litter, you won't need to spay and neuter because brothers and sisters do not mate, that's gross.
If you are running late and have other errands to take care of,
please drop off your pet at the front desk. Do not give us any
more information that "needs some shots" or "isn't doing right".
We'll have your prescription and pet ready for you to pick up
within the hour, or next Tuesday.
We look forward to caring for your pet. If you, your neighbor,
breeder, or groomer, have any suggestions about what we can do to
make life easier for you and more difficult for our staff, please
do not hesitate to let us know.
Thank you,
Your Veterinary Hospital
__________________
~*~ tiffany ~*~
Monday, June 14, 2010
Just a thought!
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our mobile phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we turned back to go, get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm... where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing;
Unlike our mobile phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
Disconnected because Jesus has already paid the bill.
Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities'? ... And no dropped calls either!
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we turned back to go, get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go....hmm... where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing;
Unlike our mobile phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being
Disconnected because Jesus has already paid the bill.
Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities'? ... And no dropped calls either!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
27 Things that movies have taught us......
A big thanks to young Ninure for this list.
1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
27) Every piece of clothing loaned by one character to another will fit perfectly.
1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
27) Every piece of clothing loaned by one character to another will fit perfectly.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thoughts about Facebook
This article was written by John Sweetman, the principal of Malyon, the Baptist Bible College in Queensland, I think it gives some insight into the world of Facebook.
Some Thoughts about Facebook John Sweetman The first three sections of these reflections are partly based on information from Jesse Rice’s book , The Church of Facebook: How the Hyperconnected are Redefining Community (David C. Cook, 2009). This book is well worth a read. I have drawn from Rice’s reflections, but have reorganised them and added ideas and conclusions of my own. I have also consulted users of Facebook to glean their ideas and opinions. 1. The attraction of Facebook Scientific investigation has shown that authentic emotional connection is important for healthy personal development. Connection makes us happy and secure, and disconnection makes us unhappy and unstable. Our search for connection and community (or “home”) is inherent in our nature. We live in a world where connection is becoming more difficult through our busyness, our social dislocation, and our pace of life mainly driven by developing technology. It’s hard to find space where we can easily connect and build community. Then along come mobile phones, social networking and, in particular, Facebook. Suddenly, connection is relatively simple and efficient. We can easily and quickly connect with others. The possibility of community has suddenly expanded exponentially. Facebook is impacting the world. In 2009, five million people signed up to Facebook every week. In March 2009, Facebookers were using the site for up to three billion minutes a day. In March 2010, Facebook passed Google as the most visited site on the web. Facebooking is not limited to younger people. In 2008, the fastest-growing population on Facebook was 55 year old women. One attraction of Facebook is the human need for community - a sense of place and belonging, what we see as “home.” Rice (2009, 76-84) suggests that there are four homelike qualities that Facebook effectively facilitates. 1. Home is where we keep all the stuff that matters to us. On Facebook we can store our pictures, declare our values and beliefs, and share the things that are close to our hearts. Our “wall” is our place. 2. Home is wherever we find family. Facebook facilitates quick and easy homelike moments with family and friends from anywhere in the world. It’s like we can gather all the people closest to us together and have access to them all the time. 3. Home is where we feel safe because we can control the environment. Facebook has provided users with a significant amount of control over their digital world. We can write status updates or speak through private messages. We can “confirm” or “ignore” others in a way that is not always possible in the real world. 4. Home is where we can just be ourselves. The ability to feel okay and accepted for who we are is a clear indicator of home. Facebook provides opportunity to say and do whatever we like and still be accepted for it, without any interference from the outside. Facebook dishes out plenty of unconditional positive regard. We are appreciated and accepted for ourselves. At its best, Facebook provides us with a safe environment to grow connections and build community with old and sometimes new friends. We can keep people close no matter where they live. We can connect with others regularly. This can be of great benefit in a relatively isolated, time-poor society. 2. The reality of Facebook However, is Facebook really “home”? In most cases, it’s more like being at a party with a whole lot of friends and acquaintances, than sitting at home with a few good friends. Facebookers tend to connect with a lot more people online than they do in real life. Here are some reasons why I think that the environment of Facebook is more like a “party” than a “home.” 1. The issue of control. Facebook gives us a lot of control over our relationships. Our self-portrait tends to be very positive. Our profiles often highlight our successes and downplay our failures (by making fun of them). We present ourselves as we want to be perceived. We also choose our friends. This can make us feel safe and good about ourselves. Control is one key to our sense of well-being. This is the way we behave at a party. We hopefully present our best side. We don’t go too deep in our relationships unless we can get away with someone to a quiet corner. At home with family and friends, things are different. We can’t avoid the tensions and difficulties that take real relationships to a deeper level. We can’t avoid being with people that challenge us or cause us to question our motives or approaches. In other words, we can’t hide and protect our real self behind a wall of control that slows down personal growth and the development of mutual relationships. For most people, Facebook does not and cannot provide this home. Having said that, it seems to me that there are many people who don’t have such a home anywhere and Facebook may provide a step forward. 2. The issue of over-connection. Like a party environment, Facebook provides us with a large number of possible relationships. But the party eventually finishes and we go home. We don’t live at parties or we would probably end up more shallow and frazzled people. The challenge is that the Facebook party can always be with us. The demands of a large range of constantly changing connections can eventually produce anxiety in people. We are confronted with too many options. We are trying to follow too much information. This can create pressure and anxiety. It can actually feed a sense of increasing powerlessness and wear us out, in some cases even causing addiction as we lose our sense of control. Trying to maintain too many diverse relationships inevitably means that these relationships will not be as deep. That’s fine and expected at a party, but it’s not like home. At home, we have fewer, deeper relationships. We take time just to be with these people. At times we communicate in short, rapid-fire statements, but at other times, we share in long, meandering chats or pursue activities together that require no words. At home we appreciate time just being together and doing things together. 3. The issue of performance. As happens in a party environment, the nature of Facebook tends to turn our friends into audiences and us into performers. Our communication is often based on what we think our invisible entourage may like the best; we enjoy being appreciated and respected. This is normal and expected in a party environment. But home relationships generally grow around reciprocity, trust, and mutual revelations concealed from the rest of the world. Party friendships look like the real thing, but the performance element involved can generally make them only limited imitations of home friendship. 4. The issue of blurred roles and relationships. Our social worlds were more plainly differentiated before Facebook. Our home and party worlds were more clearly different. Our classmates and workmates were usually divided from our friends and family. We commonly had more personal access to the lives of our friends and family than our workmates. If Facebook is seen as principally a party world, then there are no major problems. But when the boundaries between home and party get blurred, relationships can become confusing. Rice (2009, 128-147) discusses three boundaries that can get fuzzy and confusing with social networking if it is not understood: a. Privacy and authority. Facebook can bring bosses and workers, teachers and students, parents and children, leaders and followers together. In some circumstances, this may create more healthy relationships, but it raises questions about what is appropriate and helpful for those who are not our peers. Facebook postings can create misunderstanding at any time, but this is far more likely to occur when those reading them are not aware of or part of the context for which they were aimed. A posting targeted towards a friend may be understood very differently by a parent, a child or a boss. Additionally, while deletions are possible, cyberspace never forgets. There are fewer second chances if we get it wrong. b. Peer and romantic relationships. Facebook makes choosing friends both simpler and more complicated. We have access to a much wider pool of potential friends. For many people, this is a good thing. We need relationships. But who should have access to our information and thoughts? Who will we invite to our party? Who do we “ignore” and what will be the repercussions? Who actually is a friend? Facebook relationships become even more complicated when friendships turn into romances. The public nature of online romance makes things even trickier than they were before Facebook. It can be very complicated and people get hurt. c. Personal identity and time management. Facebook along with other technology can mean that we need never be unplugged. We have a heightened ability to be always “on.” Some people have no private world; they are always connected. This can reinforce the belief that we always have an invisible entourage and may cause us to live in response to this entourage rather than in response to our heart. A healthy self-confidence can be subtly undermined. We become less confident in our own voice and ideas. Listening to others can be very positive. We make better decisions in the context of helpful advice. But as lists of friends grow, the voices of others get louder, and our self-confidence can suffer. Then there is the immediacy of the online world that can overwhelm and interrupt what is actually happening around us. Being always on can thwart our awareness of and intentionality in the present moment. None of these issues mean that Facebook is flawed. But its role needs to be understood. Facebook is a great tool for connection. It positively breaks down some of the barriers to communication in our individualised society. Like any communication medium Facebook has both its benefits and its problems, but it needs to be seen more as a “party” environment than a “home” environment. 3. Does Facebook facilitate real community? This question cannot be addressed adequately until “community” is defined. If community is mainly characterised by present relationship or connection and shared interests, then Facebook enables community for the people who can connect through digital media. If community requires some form of shared history and ongoing responsibility for and holistic engagement with each other, then it’s difficult to see how it can be achieved through Facebook alone. Rice (2009, 176-177) quotes Dallas Willard as saying, “… community means assuming responsibility for other people and that means paying attention and not following your own will but submitting your will and giving up the … little consumer world that you have created.” While it may be possible for Facebook to facilitate such a community, it is very unlikely. The undemanding nature of Facebook friendships and the degree of personal control militates against taking responsibility for others and giving up our own desires. Facebook (like most party environments) tends to promote the consuming of relationships rather than self-giving community. As Rice (2009, 179) says, “Our Facebook connections typically require little thought or action on our part. We don’t have to work hard at them, or offer much of ourselves in return. We don’t have to “take responsibility” for anyone… And perhaps most importantly to us, we get to reveal and withhold whatever we feel like. We are in control.” This is not necessarily the case. A number of the Facebookers I spoke to intentionally use Facebook as a means to be available to and to care for others. Some have built strong, healthy, self-giving relationships through Facebooking. It’s not impossible, but it’s not what normally happens on Facebook without strong intentionality. So my conclusion is that Facebook, like a party environment, does not generally facilitate real community. It can contribute to the building of community and may assist the maintenance of community that has already been established in another place, but by itself alone it can build connection but not community. This connection can be important in many contexts, but it should not be mistaken for community. Facebook provides a taste of community but the relationships generally are too limited to constitute true “home.” 4. Using Facebook effectively If you’re interested in using Facebook effectively, here are a few suggestions that might help you make the most of this tool. I have added a few pertinent quotes from various pastors and spouses who have expressed their opinions about Facebook to me. 1. Facebook can be an effective way to maintain or re-establish community. Many people stay in touch with friends and family through Facebook and some can find friends from previous times with whom they had lost contact. This was the original purpose of Facebook. It facilitates helpful connection in an easy and inexpensive way. 2. Facebook can be an efficient way to connect with those who have similar interests. All sorts of groups congregate around pages that express common interests. Facebook is a useful way to stay in touch with people in the groups and organisations that express your interests and concerns. You can discuss issues and learn more. 3. Facebook can keep us in contact with helpful information. As we become skilful at sorting through and filtering the huge amount of information that is passed on through Facebook, we can gain access to news and ideas that are helpful for our relationships and ministry. 4. Facebook can be a useful way to disseminate and discuss information. It’s an inexpensive way to get the information you want straight into the hands of those who might be interested. Our church uses it extensively to invite to events and obtain feedback about ideas. 5. Facebook can be used to influence and evangelise. The more personal and friend-oriented nature of Facebook (compared with blogs and internet sites) allows more honest and open discussions about real issues. We can try to influence and make a difference in the lives of our “friends.” 5. Using Facebook healthily Facebook and other social networking sites look like they’re here to stay. If we can’t or don’t want to hold them back, some of us have to find ways to be at the cutting edge of this change and to shape it in ways that reflect Kingdom values. Here are some thoughts on how to use Facebook well and avoid the possible dangers. 1. Remember Facebook is not a substitute for community. As I’ve already pointed out, Facebook can contribute to the building of community and may assist the maintenance of community that has already been established in another place, but by itself it can build connection but not community. We all need life-on-life relationships from which we cannot escape if things get tough. We need friends who can see us and care for us as we are. We need community not just connection. 2. Make sure that Facebook remains a servant and doesn’t become a master. Facebook can move from being a great forum for connection to a dominating activity in our lives. How much is too much Facebook? It depends of course on your context and use of Facebook and the time that you have available, but if you find that sleep or work or friendships or family or relaxation or time with God are suffering, then it’s probably becoming a master. Listen to what the people around you are saying. 3. Facebooking must be grace-filled. People can be especially harsh, egotistical, self-serving, and arrogant on-line. They justify it by saying they’re just being honest, but in fact they’re being proud, unloving, judgmental and just plain sinful. You can have a mighty fine argument, you can make some impressive statements, you can be incredibly right, but without love it’s all just damaging hot air (1 Cor. 13:1-3). There certainly is a place to speak your mind and tell the truth, just make sure it’s full of grace and motivated by love. 4. Be aware of the public nature of Facebook. This is a big issue. Remember that whatever you put on Facebook will be read by a wide variety of “friends.” It’s like telling everyone at a party. Don’t have your closest friends in mind when you post on Facebook, but write for the general public. You are not anonymous. Don’t say things that you would not like your parents or children or workmates or church family to hear. If it helps, think “How would I feel if my pastor or my boss or God read this?” Nothing is absolutely secure on Facebook. You can have no secrets. Don’t say things that you will later regret. Be very careful. I’m not saying don’t be authentic. Just don’t say the authentic things you would say to an intimate friend. 5. Be careful about forming inappropriate relationships. The intimacy of Facebook can provide a fertile ground for the development of relationships that are unhealthy and inappropriate. I realise that this can happen anywhere, but Facebook offers an easily accessible and somewhat private environment for people to get close, especially as many of the difficulties of real relationships can be avoided. Predators are a danger for younger people, but more prevalent is the problem of people connecting with friends and old flames when their marriages are not going well or they’re feeling vulnerable. Be careful. Guard your heart. Choose your friends wisely. 6. Be aware of and honest about your reasons for Facebooking. Maybe you’re looking for a close circle of friends that you can share with. Then be upfront about it and be selective in who you accept as friends. Maybe you’re wanting to grow your influence with as many people as possible. Then certainly invite and accept lots of people, but don’t try to treat them all as close friends. Maybe you just want to see what happening among your friends and family, but don’t want to participate. Great. Don’t feel pressured to do any more. Maybe you’re mainly using Facebook to stay in touch with overseas missionaries. That’s very useful. There are many different ways Facebook can be used. Remember that Facebook is a tool. You can control it. Don’t let the Facebook system or the expectations of your fellow Facebookers control you. Know why you’re doing it, be upfront about it where appropriate, and shape your time and approach accordingly.
The above was posted on our Church FB site by our youth pastor Matt Anstey.
Some Thoughts about Facebook John Sweetman The first three sections of these reflections are partly based on information from Jesse Rice’s book , The Church of Facebook: How the Hyperconnected are Redefining Community (David C. Cook, 2009). This book is well worth a read. I have drawn from Rice’s reflections, but have reorganised them and added ideas and conclusions of my own. I have also consulted users of Facebook to glean their ideas and opinions. 1. The attraction of Facebook Scientific investigation has shown that authentic emotional connection is important for healthy personal development. Connection makes us happy and secure, and disconnection makes us unhappy and unstable. Our search for connection and community (or “home”) is inherent in our nature. We live in a world where connection is becoming more difficult through our busyness, our social dislocation, and our pace of life mainly driven by developing technology. It’s hard to find space where we can easily connect and build community. Then along come mobile phones, social networking and, in particular, Facebook. Suddenly, connection is relatively simple and efficient. We can easily and quickly connect with others. The possibility of community has suddenly expanded exponentially. Facebook is impacting the world. In 2009, five million people signed up to Facebook every week. In March 2009, Facebookers were using the site for up to three billion minutes a day. In March 2010, Facebook passed Google as the most visited site on the web. Facebooking is not limited to younger people. In 2008, the fastest-growing population on Facebook was 55 year old women. One attraction of Facebook is the human need for community - a sense of place and belonging, what we see as “home.” Rice (2009, 76-84) suggests that there are four homelike qualities that Facebook effectively facilitates. 1. Home is where we keep all the stuff that matters to us. On Facebook we can store our pictures, declare our values and beliefs, and share the things that are close to our hearts. Our “wall” is our place. 2. Home is wherever we find family. Facebook facilitates quick and easy homelike moments with family and friends from anywhere in the world. It’s like we can gather all the people closest to us together and have access to them all the time. 3. Home is where we feel safe because we can control the environment. Facebook has provided users with a significant amount of control over their digital world. We can write status updates or speak through private messages. We can “confirm” or “ignore” others in a way that is not always possible in the real world. 4. Home is where we can just be ourselves. The ability to feel okay and accepted for who we are is a clear indicator of home. Facebook provides opportunity to say and do whatever we like and still be accepted for it, without any interference from the outside. Facebook dishes out plenty of unconditional positive regard. We are appreciated and accepted for ourselves. At its best, Facebook provides us with a safe environment to grow connections and build community with old and sometimes new friends. We can keep people close no matter where they live. We can connect with others regularly. This can be of great benefit in a relatively isolated, time-poor society. 2. The reality of Facebook However, is Facebook really “home”? In most cases, it’s more like being at a party with a whole lot of friends and acquaintances, than sitting at home with a few good friends. Facebookers tend to connect with a lot more people online than they do in real life. Here are some reasons why I think that the environment of Facebook is more like a “party” than a “home.” 1. The issue of control. Facebook gives us a lot of control over our relationships. Our self-portrait tends to be very positive. Our profiles often highlight our successes and downplay our failures (by making fun of them). We present ourselves as we want to be perceived. We also choose our friends. This can make us feel safe and good about ourselves. Control is one key to our sense of well-being. This is the way we behave at a party. We hopefully present our best side. We don’t go too deep in our relationships unless we can get away with someone to a quiet corner. At home with family and friends, things are different. We can’t avoid the tensions and difficulties that take real relationships to a deeper level. We can’t avoid being with people that challenge us or cause us to question our motives or approaches. In other words, we can’t hide and protect our real self behind a wall of control that slows down personal growth and the development of mutual relationships. For most people, Facebook does not and cannot provide this home. Having said that, it seems to me that there are many people who don’t have such a home anywhere and Facebook may provide a step forward. 2. The issue of over-connection. Like a party environment, Facebook provides us with a large number of possible relationships. But the party eventually finishes and we go home. We don’t live at parties or we would probably end up more shallow and frazzled people. The challenge is that the Facebook party can always be with us. The demands of a large range of constantly changing connections can eventually produce anxiety in people. We are confronted with too many options. We are trying to follow too much information. This can create pressure and anxiety. It can actually feed a sense of increasing powerlessness and wear us out, in some cases even causing addiction as we lose our sense of control. Trying to maintain too many diverse relationships inevitably means that these relationships will not be as deep. That’s fine and expected at a party, but it’s not like home. At home, we have fewer, deeper relationships. We take time just to be with these people. At times we communicate in short, rapid-fire statements, but at other times, we share in long, meandering chats or pursue activities together that require no words. At home we appreciate time just being together and doing things together. 3. The issue of performance. As happens in a party environment, the nature of Facebook tends to turn our friends into audiences and us into performers. Our communication is often based on what we think our invisible entourage may like the best; we enjoy being appreciated and respected. This is normal and expected in a party environment. But home relationships generally grow around reciprocity, trust, and mutual revelations concealed from the rest of the world. Party friendships look like the real thing, but the performance element involved can generally make them only limited imitations of home friendship. 4. The issue of blurred roles and relationships. Our social worlds were more plainly differentiated before Facebook. Our home and party worlds were more clearly different. Our classmates and workmates were usually divided from our friends and family. We commonly had more personal access to the lives of our friends and family than our workmates. If Facebook is seen as principally a party world, then there are no major problems. But when the boundaries between home and party get blurred, relationships can become confusing. Rice (2009, 128-147) discusses three boundaries that can get fuzzy and confusing with social networking if it is not understood: a. Privacy and authority. Facebook can bring bosses and workers, teachers and students, parents and children, leaders and followers together. In some circumstances, this may create more healthy relationships, but it raises questions about what is appropriate and helpful for those who are not our peers. Facebook postings can create misunderstanding at any time, but this is far more likely to occur when those reading them are not aware of or part of the context for which they were aimed. A posting targeted towards a friend may be understood very differently by a parent, a child or a boss. Additionally, while deletions are possible, cyberspace never forgets. There are fewer second chances if we get it wrong. b. Peer and romantic relationships. Facebook makes choosing friends both simpler and more complicated. We have access to a much wider pool of potential friends. For many people, this is a good thing. We need relationships. But who should have access to our information and thoughts? Who will we invite to our party? Who do we “ignore” and what will be the repercussions? Who actually is a friend? Facebook relationships become even more complicated when friendships turn into romances. The public nature of online romance makes things even trickier than they were before Facebook. It can be very complicated and people get hurt. c. Personal identity and time management. Facebook along with other technology can mean that we need never be unplugged. We have a heightened ability to be always “on.” Some people have no private world; they are always connected. This can reinforce the belief that we always have an invisible entourage and may cause us to live in response to this entourage rather than in response to our heart. A healthy self-confidence can be subtly undermined. We become less confident in our own voice and ideas. Listening to others can be very positive. We make better decisions in the context of helpful advice. But as lists of friends grow, the voices of others get louder, and our self-confidence can suffer. Then there is the immediacy of the online world that can overwhelm and interrupt what is actually happening around us. Being always on can thwart our awareness of and intentionality in the present moment. None of these issues mean that Facebook is flawed. But its role needs to be understood. Facebook is a great tool for connection. It positively breaks down some of the barriers to communication in our individualised society. Like any communication medium Facebook has both its benefits and its problems, but it needs to be seen more as a “party” environment than a “home” environment. 3. Does Facebook facilitate real community? This question cannot be addressed adequately until “community” is defined. If community is mainly characterised by present relationship or connection and shared interests, then Facebook enables community for the people who can connect through digital media. If community requires some form of shared history and ongoing responsibility for and holistic engagement with each other, then it’s difficult to see how it can be achieved through Facebook alone. Rice (2009, 176-177) quotes Dallas Willard as saying, “… community means assuming responsibility for other people and that means paying attention and not following your own will but submitting your will and giving up the … little consumer world that you have created.” While it may be possible for Facebook to facilitate such a community, it is very unlikely. The undemanding nature of Facebook friendships and the degree of personal control militates against taking responsibility for others and giving up our own desires. Facebook (like most party environments) tends to promote the consuming of relationships rather than self-giving community. As Rice (2009, 179) says, “Our Facebook connections typically require little thought or action on our part. We don’t have to work hard at them, or offer much of ourselves in return. We don’t have to “take responsibility” for anyone… And perhaps most importantly to us, we get to reveal and withhold whatever we feel like. We are in control.” This is not necessarily the case. A number of the Facebookers I spoke to intentionally use Facebook as a means to be available to and to care for others. Some have built strong, healthy, self-giving relationships through Facebooking. It’s not impossible, but it’s not what normally happens on Facebook without strong intentionality. So my conclusion is that Facebook, like a party environment, does not generally facilitate real community. It can contribute to the building of community and may assist the maintenance of community that has already been established in another place, but by itself alone it can build connection but not community. This connection can be important in many contexts, but it should not be mistaken for community. Facebook provides a taste of community but the relationships generally are too limited to constitute true “home.” 4. Using Facebook effectively If you’re interested in using Facebook effectively, here are a few suggestions that might help you make the most of this tool. I have added a few pertinent quotes from various pastors and spouses who have expressed their opinions about Facebook to me. 1. Facebook can be an effective way to maintain or re-establish community. Many people stay in touch with friends and family through Facebook and some can find friends from previous times with whom they had lost contact. This was the original purpose of Facebook. It facilitates helpful connection in an easy and inexpensive way. 2. Facebook can be an efficient way to connect with those who have similar interests. All sorts of groups congregate around pages that express common interests. Facebook is a useful way to stay in touch with people in the groups and organisations that express your interests and concerns. You can discuss issues and learn more. 3. Facebook can keep us in contact with helpful information. As we become skilful at sorting through and filtering the huge amount of information that is passed on through Facebook, we can gain access to news and ideas that are helpful for our relationships and ministry. 4. Facebook can be a useful way to disseminate and discuss information. It’s an inexpensive way to get the information you want straight into the hands of those who might be interested. Our church uses it extensively to invite to events and obtain feedback about ideas. 5. Facebook can be used to influence and evangelise. The more personal and friend-oriented nature of Facebook (compared with blogs and internet sites) allows more honest and open discussions about real issues. We can try to influence and make a difference in the lives of our “friends.” 5. Using Facebook healthily Facebook and other social networking sites look like they’re here to stay. If we can’t or don’t want to hold them back, some of us have to find ways to be at the cutting edge of this change and to shape it in ways that reflect Kingdom values. Here are some thoughts on how to use Facebook well and avoid the possible dangers. 1. Remember Facebook is not a substitute for community. As I’ve already pointed out, Facebook can contribute to the building of community and may assist the maintenance of community that has already been established in another place, but by itself it can build connection but not community. We all need life-on-life relationships from which we cannot escape if things get tough. We need friends who can see us and care for us as we are. We need community not just connection. 2. Make sure that Facebook remains a servant and doesn’t become a master. Facebook can move from being a great forum for connection to a dominating activity in our lives. How much is too much Facebook? It depends of course on your context and use of Facebook and the time that you have available, but if you find that sleep or work or friendships or family or relaxation or time with God are suffering, then it’s probably becoming a master. Listen to what the people around you are saying. 3. Facebooking must be grace-filled. People can be especially harsh, egotistical, self-serving, and arrogant on-line. They justify it by saying they’re just being honest, but in fact they’re being proud, unloving, judgmental and just plain sinful. You can have a mighty fine argument, you can make some impressive statements, you can be incredibly right, but without love it’s all just damaging hot air (1 Cor. 13:1-3). There certainly is a place to speak your mind and tell the truth, just make sure it’s full of grace and motivated by love. 4. Be aware of the public nature of Facebook. This is a big issue. Remember that whatever you put on Facebook will be read by a wide variety of “friends.” It’s like telling everyone at a party. Don’t have your closest friends in mind when you post on Facebook, but write for the general public. You are not anonymous. Don’t say things that you would not like your parents or children or workmates or church family to hear. If it helps, think “How would I feel if my pastor or my boss or God read this?” Nothing is absolutely secure on Facebook. You can have no secrets. Don’t say things that you will later regret. Be very careful. I’m not saying don’t be authentic. Just don’t say the authentic things you would say to an intimate friend. 5. Be careful about forming inappropriate relationships. The intimacy of Facebook can provide a fertile ground for the development of relationships that are unhealthy and inappropriate. I realise that this can happen anywhere, but Facebook offers an easily accessible and somewhat private environment for people to get close, especially as many of the difficulties of real relationships can be avoided. Predators are a danger for younger people, but more prevalent is the problem of people connecting with friends and old flames when their marriages are not going well or they’re feeling vulnerable. Be careful. Guard your heart. Choose your friends wisely. 6. Be aware of and honest about your reasons for Facebooking. Maybe you’re looking for a close circle of friends that you can share with. Then be upfront about it and be selective in who you accept as friends. Maybe you’re wanting to grow your influence with as many people as possible. Then certainly invite and accept lots of people, but don’t try to treat them all as close friends. Maybe you just want to see what happening among your friends and family, but don’t want to participate. Great. Don’t feel pressured to do any more. Maybe you’re mainly using Facebook to stay in touch with overseas missionaries. That’s very useful. There are many different ways Facebook can be used. Remember that Facebook is a tool. You can control it. Don’t let the Facebook system or the expectations of your fellow Facebookers control you. Know why you’re doing it, be upfront about it where appropriate, and shape your time and approach accordingly.
The above was posted on our Church FB site by our youth pastor Matt Anstey.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
View from the Balcony 11/06/2010
Well, here it is the Friday afternoon before a long weekend and I find myself sitting at the small Balcony table (the one with the beautiful rosebush) looking out over the Esplanade and further afield.
Starting at the Resort, I notice that 5 Ibis are sitting around the outdoor cold water pool sunning themselves in the very pleasant 23C temperature. Nice enough to enjoy, but not hot enough to attract any late afternoon sunbathers.
An Army helicopter has just flown past heading up the coast and past Surfers Paradise. I did resist the temptation to wave at them.
Along the picnic grass area that runs beside the Esplanade walkways, a number of individual small groups are beginning to pack up for the day, leaving the area free for the late afternoon fitness groups to arrive and flex their healthy bodies in their taut lycra outfits, much to the envy of all passers by.
Along the beach front, the tide is out the furtherest that I have seen it and those keen surfer types are needing to walk their boards just that little bit more before they are once again baptised by the incoming warm rolling waves.
The water colour is a mid Derwent blue, and several small pristine white pleasure boats stand out in stark relief on the calm water. No hiding for them.
Along the horizon line a touch of haze can be seen, or it may very well be my eyesight starting ti inform me that I may not be as sharp as I once thought that I was.
Several white puff clouds are floating in a rather opaque light blue sky that is now coencing to prepare itself for the onslaught of dusk.
Oops, time to stop and head back inside as we are having 5:00 drinks with folk from one of the First floor apartments, and one cannot be late for that.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Starting at the Resort, I notice that 5 Ibis are sitting around the outdoor cold water pool sunning themselves in the very pleasant 23C temperature. Nice enough to enjoy, but not hot enough to attract any late afternoon sunbathers.
An Army helicopter has just flown past heading up the coast and past Surfers Paradise. I did resist the temptation to wave at them.
Along the picnic grass area that runs beside the Esplanade walkways, a number of individual small groups are beginning to pack up for the day, leaving the area free for the late afternoon fitness groups to arrive and flex their healthy bodies in their taut lycra outfits, much to the envy of all passers by.
Along the beach front, the tide is out the furtherest that I have seen it and those keen surfer types are needing to walk their boards just that little bit more before they are once again baptised by the incoming warm rolling waves.
The water colour is a mid Derwent blue, and several small pristine white pleasure boats stand out in stark relief on the calm water. No hiding for them.
Along the horizon line a touch of haze can be seen, or it may very well be my eyesight starting ti inform me that I may not be as sharp as I once thought that I was.
Several white puff clouds are floating in a rather opaque light blue sky that is now coencing to prepare itself for the onslaught of dusk.
Oops, time to stop and head back inside as we are having 5:00 drinks with folk from one of the First floor apartments, and one cannot be late for that.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Do you have Jesus looking after your interests?
This yarn came from young Patto.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
“Jesus knows you're here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard...
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses”, replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.”
Ok, so it was a joke, but in all seriousness the truth of the matter is do you have someone looking after your eternal interests?
If not, may I strongly recommend that you begin to make some enquiries, as time is running out for each of us, as we don't know when our number will be called - and then it will be too late.
If you would like to find out about my beliefs, then send me an email at the following address, graemebrattle@hotmail.com and I will be in touch.
Have a top day everyone.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
“Jesus knows you're here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard...
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses”, replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.”
Ok, so it was a joke, but in all seriousness the truth of the matter is do you have someone looking after your eternal interests?
If not, may I strongly recommend that you begin to make some enquiries, as time is running out for each of us, as we don't know when our number will be called - and then it will be too late.
If you would like to find out about my beliefs, then send me an email at the following address, graemebrattle@hotmail.com and I will be in touch.
Have a top day everyone.
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Survey!
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The task was given to a multi-lingual International Survey Company based in southern India.
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Plurals
Thanks to young Kelly for this. It is quite clever!
An Ode of English Plurals
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
An Ode of English Plurals
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
What..the Lizard is pregnant!!!
Lizard Birth
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do La maze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . .. . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We
thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Thanks to young Carol, my Sister in Law for this. She should know as she was Mid Wife!!!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do La maze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . .. . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We
thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Thanks to young Carol, my Sister in Law for this. She should know as she was Mid Wife!!!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Proverbs
I have to thank young Rowland Croucher for this post.
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant
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