You know you're Australian if ...
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.
* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "r**ting" for something.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You call your best friend 'a total bas***d' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bas***d'.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' and "Living next door to Alice".
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
* You wear ugg boots outside the house.
* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like sh*t. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bl**dy' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You understand what no wucking furries means.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
* And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
DID THIS PASTOR NOT HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD?
A Pastor with GUTS!
Thought you might enjoy this interesting
prayer given in Kansas at
the opening session of their Senate. It seems
prayer still upsets some
people.. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is
what they heard:
Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask
your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those
who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we
have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed
our values.
We have exploited the poor and called it
the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it
welfare..
We have killed our unborn and called it
choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it
justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our
children and called it building self esteem....
We have abused power and called it
politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions
and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and
pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values
of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts
today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
Amen!
The response was immediate. A number of
legislators walked out during the prayer in
protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church, where Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
responding negatively. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer
from India , Africa and Korea .
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on
his radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,'and
received a larger response to this program than any
other he has ever aired.
With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep
over our nation and wholeheartedly become our
desire so that we again can be called 'one nation
under God.'
If possible, please pass this prayer on to
your friends.. 'If you don't stand for something,
you will fall for everything.'
Think about this: If you forward this
prayer to everyone on your
e-mail list, in less than 30 days it would be
heard by the world.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
New definitions!
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Thanks to young Kellie for the above.
Friday, July 8, 2011
It is all a matter of perspective!
A bit of swearing but funny.....especially for us Queenslanders
Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!” he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Broncos fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Maroons Supporter Risks Life In Heroic Rescue"
"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Cockroach Bastard Vandalises Fence And Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Thanks to young Greg for this.
Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!” he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Broncos fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Maroons Supporter Risks Life In Heroic Rescue"
"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Cockroach Bastard Vandalises Fence And Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Thanks to young Greg for this.
Monday, July 4, 2011
5 Leadership lessons from the handling of the Australian live cattle export.
When a national TV show broadcast the bad treatment of live cattle exported to Indonesia, the Australian Government moved to immediately suspend the $320m a year industry.
Now, people involved in the industry are losing jobs, companies are facing ruin and there are doubts Indonesia will want to import Australian cattle ever again.
To be fair, not everyone thinks the Government's decision a bad one. Some think the decision failed to go far enough. Whatever one's position, there are some valuable leadership lessons to be learned from the affair.
1. It's a Mistake To Confuse Action with Leadership
The Government, facing plummeting opinion polls and with a reputation for failing to solve problems (think mining tax, carbon tax, national health scheme, the Malaysian Solution) wanted to be seen as decisive and able to take action.
By acting in order to be seen to act the Government was actually re-acting rather than leading.
2. It's a Mistake To Think Through an Action After Taking Action
The decision to ban live cattle exports to Indonesia was made without any written submissions to cabinet.
It was two weeks AFTER the trade ban was announced that the Australian Bureau of Agricultural and Resource Economics and Sciences began surveying farmers to "determine the effects on farm businesses of the suspension of trade to Indonesia".
Initially the government said there would be no compensation to the local cattle industry. Then they announced a $3m fund and later a $30m. The Government looked like they were making things up as they went ... because they were, and this makes people nervous.
People want to be confident their leaders have thought decisions through before, not after, they are made.
Anyone can have hindsight. Leaders exercise forethought.
3. It's a Mistake to Act Without Considering Other Actions
Media reports state that nothing but a full and immediate ban on the Indonesian cattle trade was considered by the Government. No other options were suggested, let alone entertained.
When making decisions, Option A might indeed be the best option, but one can never know that without at least considering Options B, C and D.
Good leaders consider options. In fact, they demand options, even when the solution seems obvious.
If Options B, C and D are all duds, nothing is lost. What is gained is added confidence in the initial response of Option A.
On the other hand elements of Option B, C, or D might improve Option A or indeed prove all together better than Option A.
The point is, leaders have thought about options even if only to discount them.
4. It's a Mistake to Act Without Involving People Smarter Than Yourself
The Foreign Affairs Minister was advised of the decision to cease trade with one of our largest trade partners AFTER the decision. One would have thought the Foreign Affairs Minister could have added insights during the decision making process (I use the word process very loosely) that may have informed Cabinet's decision.
According to media reports, the Foreign Minister was only really engaged in the affair when it became apparent that the action taken was creating all manner of unintended consequences.
The lesson here is simple. It's far more prudent to admit you need help making the right decision than to ask for help cleaning up a bad one.
Better to choose humility and ask for help making a decision than to suffer the humiliation of having to beg for help when your unilateral decisions have turned to custard.
5. It's a Mistake to Act Without Preparing Those Affected
It is claimed that neither those in the cattle industry or affected state governments were advised of the decision to ban cattle exports before it happened. Further, it's said that Indonesia found out their meat would no longer be delivered, via a letter delivered by Australian consulate staff.
This Government is often accused of over-consulting. On this occasion we learned what happens when people are not consulted.
It's inevitable that most decisions will result in some people being worse off for it, or at least perceiving themselves to be worse off. I'm rather depressed to admit that, on more than one occasion, I've made decisions without stopping to consider who might feel the poorer for it and without communicating directly with them the reasons for the decision.Then, like this Government, I've been shocked at the adverse reaction to my decision.
It's amazing how people who might 'lose' from a decision will nevertheless go with it if they feel like they were considered in the process. It should not be so surprising that when decisions are 'handed down from on high' and communicated indirectly, after the event, that those same people react angrily.
The decision simply adds insult to injury; the injury being that they were obviously not considered important enough to be properly considered.
The above was from james macpherson as a tweet
On Monday 4th July 2011, @jamesmacpherson
Now, people involved in the industry are losing jobs, companies are facing ruin and there are doubts Indonesia will want to import Australian cattle ever again.
To be fair, not everyone thinks the Government's decision a bad one. Some think the decision failed to go far enough. Whatever one's position, there are some valuable leadership lessons to be learned from the affair.
1. It's a Mistake To Confuse Action with Leadership
The Government, facing plummeting opinion polls and with a reputation for failing to solve problems (think mining tax, carbon tax, national health scheme, the Malaysian Solution) wanted to be seen as decisive and able to take action.
By acting in order to be seen to act the Government was actually re-acting rather than leading.
2. It's a Mistake To Think Through an Action After Taking Action
The decision to ban live cattle exports to Indonesia was made without any written submissions to cabinet.
It was two weeks AFTER the trade ban was announced that the Australian Bureau of Agricultural and Resource Economics and Sciences began surveying farmers to "determine the effects on farm businesses of the suspension of trade to Indonesia".
Initially the government said there would be no compensation to the local cattle industry. Then they announced a $3m fund and later a $30m. The Government looked like they were making things up as they went ... because they were, and this makes people nervous.
People want to be confident their leaders have thought decisions through before, not after, they are made.
Anyone can have hindsight. Leaders exercise forethought.
3. It's a Mistake to Act Without Considering Other Actions
Media reports state that nothing but a full and immediate ban on the Indonesian cattle trade was considered by the Government. No other options were suggested, let alone entertained.
When making decisions, Option A might indeed be the best option, but one can never know that without at least considering Options B, C and D.
Good leaders consider options. In fact, they demand options, even when the solution seems obvious.
If Options B, C and D are all duds, nothing is lost. What is gained is added confidence in the initial response of Option A.
On the other hand elements of Option B, C, or D might improve Option A or indeed prove all together better than Option A.
The point is, leaders have thought about options even if only to discount them.
4. It's a Mistake to Act Without Involving People Smarter Than Yourself
The Foreign Affairs Minister was advised of the decision to cease trade with one of our largest trade partners AFTER the decision. One would have thought the Foreign Affairs Minister could have added insights during the decision making process (I use the word process very loosely) that may have informed Cabinet's decision.
According to media reports, the Foreign Minister was only really engaged in the affair when it became apparent that the action taken was creating all manner of unintended consequences.
The lesson here is simple. It's far more prudent to admit you need help making the right decision than to ask for help cleaning up a bad one.
Better to choose humility and ask for help making a decision than to suffer the humiliation of having to beg for help when your unilateral decisions have turned to custard.
5. It's a Mistake to Act Without Preparing Those Affected
It is claimed that neither those in the cattle industry or affected state governments were advised of the decision to ban cattle exports before it happened. Further, it's said that Indonesia found out their meat would no longer be delivered, via a letter delivered by Australian consulate staff.
This Government is often accused of over-consulting. On this occasion we learned what happens when people are not consulted.
It's inevitable that most decisions will result in some people being worse off for it, or at least perceiving themselves to be worse off. I'm rather depressed to admit that, on more than one occasion, I've made decisions without stopping to consider who might feel the poorer for it and without communicating directly with them the reasons for the decision.Then, like this Government, I've been shocked at the adverse reaction to my decision.
It's amazing how people who might 'lose' from a decision will nevertheless go with it if they feel like they were considered in the process. It should not be so surprising that when decisions are 'handed down from on high' and communicated indirectly, after the event, that those same people react angrily.
The decision simply adds insult to injury; the injury being that they were obviously not considered important enough to be properly considered.
The above was from james macpherson as a tweet
On Monday 4th July 2011, @jamesmacpherson
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Red shirt day for Australia - Why not get involved!
I received this as an email and I thought that it warranted further exposure.
If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for one
man...
Last week, while travelling to Brisbane on business, I noticed an army
sergeant travelling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two
together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd
been invited to sit in Business Class (across from me), and inquired if he
was heading home.
'No', he responded.
'Going home', I asked?
'No. I'm escorting a soldier home.'
'Going to pick him up?'
'No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Afghanistan ; I'm taking
him home to his family.'
The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a Rock to
the head. (I felt sick in the stomach) It was an honour for him. He told me that,
although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the
soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.
I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, 'Thank you. Thank you
for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.' He took my hand and
said "Thank You Ma'am"
Upon landing in Brisbane , the pilot stopped short of the gate and made
the following announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honour
of having Sergeant Jamison of the Royal Australian Army join us on this
flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask
that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to
allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We
will then turn off the seat belt sign.'
Without a sound, all went as requested.. I noticed the sergeant
saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action
made me realize that I am proud to be a Australian.
So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you
do so we can live the way we do.
Red Fridays
Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday.
The reason; Australians who support our troops used to be called the
'silent majority.' We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love
for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not
organized, boisterous or overbearing.
Many Australians, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to
recognize that the vast majority of Australians supports our troops. Our
idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and
respect starts this Friday and continues each and every Friday until
the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that every
red-blooded Australian who supports our men and women afar, will wear
something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make Australia every Friday a
sea of red much like an AFL Grand final game in the MCG Stands. If
every one of us who loves this country will share this with
acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family, it will not be long
before Australia is covered in RED and it will let our troops know
the once 'silent' majority is on their side more than ever, certainly
more than the media lets on. Don't let this be like it was for our poor Vietnam Vets
The first thing a soldier says when asked 'What can we do to make
things better for you?' is 'We need your support and your prayers.'
Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and
wear something red every Friday.
IF YOU AGREE -- THEN SEND THIS ON..
If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for one
man...
Last week, while travelling to Brisbane on business, I noticed an army
sergeant travelling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two
together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd
been invited to sit in Business Class (across from me), and inquired if he
was heading home.
'No', he responded.
'Going home', I asked?
'No. I'm escorting a soldier home.'
'Going to pick him up?'
'No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Afghanistan ; I'm taking
him home to his family.'
The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a Rock to
the head. (I felt sick in the stomach) It was an honour for him. He told me that,
although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the
soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.
I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, 'Thank you. Thank you
for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.' He took my hand and
said "Thank You Ma'am"
Upon landing in Brisbane , the pilot stopped short of the gate and made
the following announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honour
of having Sergeant Jamison of the Royal Australian Army join us on this
flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask
that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to
allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We
will then turn off the seat belt sign.'
Without a sound, all went as requested.. I noticed the sergeant
saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action
made me realize that I am proud to be a Australian.
So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you
do so we can live the way we do.
Red Fridays
Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday.
The reason; Australians who support our troops used to be called the
'silent majority.' We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love
for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not
organized, boisterous or overbearing.
Many Australians, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to
recognize that the vast majority of Australians supports our troops. Our
idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and
respect starts this Friday and continues each and every Friday until
the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that every
red-blooded Australian who supports our men and women afar, will wear
something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make Australia every Friday a
sea of red much like an AFL Grand final game in the MCG Stands. If
every one of us who loves this country will share this with
acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family, it will not be long
before Australia is covered in RED and it will let our troops know
the once 'silent' majority is on their side more than ever, certainly
more than the media lets on. Don't let this be like it was for our poor Vietnam Vets
The first thing a soldier says when asked 'What can we do to make
things better for you?' is 'We need your support and your prayers.'
Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and
wear something red every Friday.
IF YOU AGREE -- THEN SEND THIS ON..
Sunday, June 26, 2011
You know you are getting old when...
You know you're getting old when... ~
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
__________________
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
__________________
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